


Drunken But In Control

by SupernaturalGeekGirl



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Autism Spectrum, Depressed Dean Winchester, Drug Addiction, Drug Use, Flash Forward, Homophobic John Winchester, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Law Student Sam, Loss of a sibling, M/M, Murder, Protective Dean Winchester, Student Castiel, Teacher Dean Winchester, autistic Adam
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-11-28
Updated: 2017-08-18
Packaged: 2018-09-02 17:30:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 10,380
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8676391
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SupernaturalGeekGirl/pseuds/SupernaturalGeekGirl
Summary: At age 21 Dean Is working in a school where he meets cas . A few years later cas and Dean end up being closer then they thought they would ever be but when tragedy strikes Dean , cas  in the only one Who can save Dean from himself .





	1. Chapter 1

Castiel was annoyed, that was an understatement, he goes to class and expects his teacher to be there but no, he isn't so now he is stuck between doing his own work or entertaining a bored Balthazar. He hopes the teacher is only a few minutes late because of a meeting.

"Where the hell is the teacher ?" A voice piped up from the back of the room . This was of course Adam . The annoying kid of the class but the only person that was nice to him was castiel.  
"Cas ? Do you know?"  
Another voice mimicked Adams voice.  
"Cas do you know ?" It copied in a high pitch squeak . This was Zach.

Castiel groaned and hid his head in between his bags, he glared at Zach and spoke calmly. "No i don't know anything Adam, why do you think i would know?"

"I don't know I just thought you might ..." Adam looked down at his hands as they trembled.  
"Sorry " he muttered. Adam hated when he was like this . Weak , needy . He was a Winchester but he was never treated like one because he never acted like one.

 

Castiel sighed and smiled softly at adam. "Hey its okay, i was just curious as to why you were asking me, I'm not mad at you i promise." He looks at the clock and sighs, six minutes since the bell..

The next four minutes was painful for the whole class . Everyone was bored , chatting or on their phone.  
It wasn't until the teacher was 10 minuites late that something happened .  
Almost all at once a book flew at the white bored which made everyone fall into silence , and this guy that wore a white shirt and baseball cap leaped over his desk and stood at the front of the class.  
"I guess we can start class now . We are gonna start by taking about my most loved subject" he smirked , winking at Adam who giggled.  
"Me"

Castiel chuckles and places his cheek onto his hand and listens to what is going to be saying, he looked around and saw some of the faces his classmates were supporting and it was hilarious.

"So . Class , I'm Mr. Winchester . This is a name that you will learn and respect ." He took off his baseball cap and lobbed it at zach . He then reached the back to his chair and shrugged on his leather jacket .  
He couldn't have been that old  
,Barely 21 if that.  
He still had his teenager skin . His emerald eyes are the first thing you see then his jaw .  
If you looked closely you could see a rebalance between the teacher and Adam.

Castiel's jaw dropped as he stared at the gorgeous human in front of him, he blushed a little and got out his notebook so he can write down the important stuff if needed. He tried not to think how hot his teacher looked in a leather jacket but failed miserably.

"Okay first before I start teaching you bunch of morons , do you have any questions for me ?" The new teacher lent on the desk , scanning around the room watching intently.

Castiel couldn't help but melt once those green eyes bet his blue ones just for a split second, his best friends and Balthazar and Meg both elbowed him to stop him from drooling.

"You." He pointed right at cas , his brow raised . He now stood tall as he walked to castiels desk .  
"Stand up ."

Castiel glared at his two friends but stood up anyway, he looked around awkwardly and heard whispers like, what did the socially awkward freak do now and about time this goody to shoes learnt a lesson. "Y-yes sir."

"Why did you stand up for him" Dean now pointed at Adam .  
"And you " He pointed at zach .  
"Detention ." Dean did this with such ease and force That he took half the class of guard.

Castiel smiled softly. "Loads of people make fun of Adam a lot and i don't think that is right and when i spoke to him and realised he thought I was mad at him i had to tell him that it wasn't his fault for asking a question, especially if some is a curious as me, loads of people say Adam is weak but in my eyes he is probably one of the bravest in the school.  
Zechariah scowled and snorted. "Well if the weakling is brave then I'm superman, i can't believe you are sticking up for him, and why do i have a detention sir." He replies spitefully.

Dean couldn't but crack a smiled and patted castiels shoulder.  
"Thank you ...you protected a venerable student . This will be reported to the principle and you never know she might reward you . "  
Dean then walked over and stood in front of Zach's desk.  
"You , you mocked and bullied a student . As cas said . Adam had to be one of the bravest students in here becuase he had to come to school every day and face you . "  
For those who connected the dots it was clear Dean was feirsly protective of this younger brother . "Your getting detention for mistreating a student with autism" He snapped.

Castiel smirked at the punishment Zach was going to receive, he sat down and then got playfully punched by his friends, he looked over at adam and gave him a grin and a thumbs up, before writing down some stuff that was on the bored.  
Zach glared at the teacher and sat down, grumbling of people getting special treatment.

Adam smiled brightly and gave a sloppy thumbs up back at cas then made some sort of hand gesture to the teacher , who made it back then stood at the front of the class .  
"I have a few rules in my class . Can anyone tell me what those rules could possibly be?"

Castiel looked at his friends and they all shrugged, they didn't know what the rules are and were interested in knowing.  
A voice rang out by a git named metatron. "No sex on the desks."  
Castiel rolled his eyes and ignored the stupid voice.

"That shouldn't be a problem for you metatron . " Deans ancwer was fired back within seconds . He showed no emotion in his reply.

Castiel giggled adrably at the quick fired comeback. "Sir what are the rules if you don't mind me asking?" He says when he puts his hand up.

" The rules are simple treat others like you what to be treated . And if I find you bullying another student you better wish you was Dead" When he said that he looked straight at Zack .

Castiel grinned at the rules and wrote them down, while Zachariah just looked like he had been slapped in the face by a fish.

"Now that you know what I'm like . Time to start this god damn lesson."


	2. Chapter 2

It had been over a year since cas left school and became a teacher assistant in one of the younger years . Neither Dean or cas would have anticipated that they would be working so closely together . They was almost best mates . They would go to the pub , see movies but when Dean didn't return from his holiday leave cas stared to get extremely worried .

Castiel was confused when he didn't see Dean where they usually meet, and well he was worried. He had no idea where his best friend could have gone to and it was unnerving to him. Dean was always on time if not a few minutes early. Where is he?

It had been at least 20 minutes when Dean finally turned up . Pulling up beside Cas in his black Chevy impala. It was his prize possession , and he always kept it clean and polished . But now it was fility with mud , the rims were coated in grease and the windows was disgusting. Never in all the years of Dean owning the 67 Chevy had it gone un waxed.   
He wasn't wearing his usual leather that made him famous though out the high school. He currently wore a hoodie and jeans . His skin was unusually pale for someone who had just spent the last 3 weeks in Barbados.

 

Castiel quickly ran up to Dean. "Oh my god what the heck has happened to you?" He was shocked at the state of the car and of his appearance as well. "What happened to your car? You never would have gotten it like that."

"Doesn't matter , are you getting in or not? " he asked , his voice gruff as if he had a cold . Dean and cas had grown really close in the last year , Cas was always there when he was having a stress freak out Becuase mid terms were coming up and the class was just so god damn stupid .

"Of course i am." He got into the car, he knew Dean would talk about it when he was ready and at that moment he was far from ready. "You want some pie? I can quickly grab one from the bakers if you would like." He knew that pie makes Dean feel better but he didn't know if now was the right time.

Dean thought for a few seconds then shook his head . "No , I don't want pie" He pulled out of the lay by and into traffic jam . He glanced at his watch . They had plenty of time to get to the school.

Castiel nodded and leaned into the seat, closing his eyes and hoping he could fet some shut eye after not sleeping well last night, he soon drifted off to the sound of AC/DC in the background.

It wasn't long until Dean was shaking cas awake , the faint smell of whisky on his breath   
"Come on cas .Jesus wake up we are here" Dean groaned and rolled his eyes.

Casriel groaned and turned his face away from the smell of alcohol, Dean knew he hated that stuff and now he smells of it. "Okay okay I'm up!" He gets out of the car and makes his way to the school.

Dean lagged behind just a little to lock up baby then he followed Cas into the now run down school. He took a swing of his strong black coffee with extra shots of whisky and the caught up with cas .

Castiel made his way to where he has to be and looks at Dean, whispering slightly. "Whisky Dean! Really!? Why do you have to drink that horrible stuff?"

"Oh for god sake cas it's just whisky . It's not gonna hurt anyone ." Dean said firmly , taking another swig of his coffee .   
"I have every right to drink this god damn coffee."

"You don't have the right to get drunk in school!" He whispered bitterly, he stormed off to his classroom, determined not to be late and to let the little ones that like him down, he couldn't believe the nerve of his best friend which left him questioning, what happened to him?.

Dean shrugged and chugged the rest of the bitter coffee and entered his classroom . As soon as he did the class went silent and no one said a word.


	3. Chapter 3

Dean hated that Cas was so concerned for him . Though he didn't blame his teaching assistant . He had gone to barbos for 3 weeks , returned paler then he had gone and drunk whiskey from his coffee . But he couldn't handle his questions and he knew that there was going to be a lot more .   
He tried to shake the thoughts from his head as he set down his coffee flask on the desk . 

"Alright class. New year . New you."

Cas tried not to look in Dean's direction, a task that was rather difficult. Writing on the board behind Dean. Cas couldn't stop himself from looking over his shoulder at him.

Having written the class subject and both of their last names. Cas stepped to the side moving more towards the corner.

"As you all know , I'm Mr Winchester . I was your teacher last year but this year we have Mr Novak as a teaching assistant .I expect the same respect towards Mr Novak as you do me ." Dean slumped onto his chair 

"Any questions?" He asked the class who was stareing blankly at him

 

Cas gave a half warm smile to the class as Dean introduced him. Taking a moment he studied the faces before his mind went back to what he deemed worrisome behavior. What was up with his best friend. What happened in Barbos? It wasn't long until he caught himself staring.

A girl from the back of the class put her hand up 

"Ruby yes?" 

"Oh...I was just wondering did you and Mr Novak know Eachother ? He's stareing at you ." She put her hand down as giggled erupted from the class

At this Cas shyly glanced down. He could feel his cheeks going flush. The whole class had caught him stareing. Of course he had a valid reason but he was not going to live it down.

 

Dean resisted looking at Cas and ancwered ruby 

" Actually yes , we have worked closely before." Dean looked down at his phone pretending it had gone off 

"Ahhh that would explain it" he wiped away some invisibal shaving foam from his jaw

"Mr Novak spotted some shaving foam which I forgot . Thank you Mr Novak ." He now faces Cas , winking when he was sure none of the students could see

"Any more questions?" He asked

Cas composed himself enough to look at Dean. "Of course Mr. Winchester."

Another little girl raised her hand.

"Yes." Cas said quickly seeing the raised hand out of the corner of his eye.

"Are you friends?"

 

"I...yes we are ...thank you for the question Emily ...does anyone else have any questions that isn't about mine and Mr Novak relationship out of school ?" He asked taking a long drink from the flask

 

A boy in the far corner raised his hand "I have one."

Dean turned to look at Kevin the the far corner   
"Yes Kevin what is it ?"

"Where is Adam, is he Ill?" Kevin asked eyebrow raised.

Dean looked at the student for a moment , drinking from the flask again before talking gentelly , his body language suddenly slack , his whole body showing distress 

"Adam...my brother ..unfortunately Adam won't be returning to class." He said this quite bluntly which of course would raise more questions

Cas almost gasped out loud but stopped himself "Alright...umm. Why don't you start reading the first chapter in your syllabus." He looked to Dean with eyes that said "Teacher's lounge now." then quickly exited the room.

Dean quickly picked up the flask and follow Cas closely until they reached the staff room 

"What do you want Cas . I've already saved you from class embarrassment." He gripped the flask tighter because he knew EXACLY what Cas was going to ask

He waited for the door to close before he opened his mouth. Nothing came out at first causing him to get flustered. He ran a hand through his messy hair before looking squarely at Dean. His eyes held concern, Sympathy and anger. "What do I want Dean? How about an explanation...? We've been friends for a few, more than a few years actually."

"Two years Cas. Anyway that means nothing . I dont know what you want an explanation about . " dean drank from the flask again and groaned when he found it empty

Cas wasn't about to take anymore bullshit. Taking the step to invade Dean's personal space he snatched the flask and pouted sarcastically. "All empty...? Well isn't that a shame. Dean we been friends long enough that we call if something major happens and we certainly didn't lie to each other, so I thought."

Dean let Cas rip the flask from his hands . He could tell Cas was angry . He would be too 

"Cas..." Dean looked up at his friends bright blue eyes and he couldn't help but start to tear up 

"H-he drowned Cas ...in Barbados ...I couldn't call you but I had no money too and I ..." dean wiped his eyes quickly 

"Adam won't be returning to class because Adam is dead." He snached the flask back , his voice still a little dence 

"Happy now ?"

Cas felt himself deflate; feeling small. He looked his friend's eyes. Normally they were almost emerald coloured but now they were almost gray. The sadness in them was almost chocking.

"No..." Cas said weakly 

"I'm so sorry Dean."

"I don't want your sorrys Cas . Let's get back to class . You should tell the class . They will find out in the assembly anyway . I will be there in a minute " 

It was offen dean would op out of telling his class news but this ? This was too much . It was hard enough telling his co worker and best friend

Cas nodded refraining from reaching out to touch his friend's shoulder. "I'll see you in class." He made himself break eye contact; Turning away and headed back towards class.

As soon as Cas entered the room the class went silent and everyone turned to look at Cas . A boy from the back of the class who was Adams friend named Alfie put his hand up 

"Did Adam get eaten by a bear? " he asked . He had the same condition as Adam and he would always play hunters with his friend

 

Cas took a long jagged breath; turning to face the class. "No...Adam wasn't eaten by a bear. Class, Adam is no longer with us and it is a very sad thing. However we are still here and must get through the day."

"Did he transfer schools ?" Alfie asked again , his lip bringing to tremble , the student next to him tried to comfort him

It was this that broke Cas's composure. A lone tear escaped and streaked his cheek. Why was he in tears; wasn't his loss. It was his's friend's loss and the students's. loss he ran a hand over his cheek before walking to Alfie's desk.

Everyone in the class knew of Alfie's and Adams friendship and they was close . That's why everyone was silent as Cas walked to Alfie's desk

Cas bent down on one knee one hand resting on Alfie's desk. He looked the boy square in the face. "No..." He began quietly "He didn't transfer...Adam. Adam went to heaven." He said trying to soften the blow.

"With the angels ?" He asked , trying not to cry . Just like mum used to tell him before he died   
/ no one is worth your tears Alfie . Remember that. Chin up and smile /

"He always said he liked the angels...hope his having fun."

 

Cas couldn't help but give a small smile. "Oh yes, I'm sure he's having a blast. An I'm sure he will tell you all about it when you see him again."

 

"And we can play hunters again . " Alfie smile and pulled out his note pad and started to doodle 

That was when dean walked back into the class and leant against his desk , placeing the now full again flask next to him

Cas got to his feet and looked back towards Dean. "Has everyone finished reading the chapter?" He asked making his way back towards the front of the class.

There was a combined noise of yeses and grumbles 

"Okay who can tell me about the first chapter ?" Dean asked , assuming Cas had told the class about what had happened

Emily raised her hand egerly.

"Yes Emily ? Do you have anything to say about the first chapter ?" Dean siped from his flask , his face turning sour breifly . It was clear to Cas something a litttle stronger the coffee was now in it

"Yes, we get introduced to a girl named Hazel Grace; who has cancer. She meets this boy Augustus Waters at a suuport group. A support group she dreaded going to."

Cas smiled at Emily and made his way behind Dean grabbing the flask. He stepped away fast and turn the flask up drinking it dry. It was rough going down but he managed without coughing too much. He winced slightly before giving harsh look.

"That's right Emily , and while at the support group she opens up a little and finds common ground with-" he paused a little , frowning before snatching the flask back and put it in his top draw 

 

"She found common ground with Augustus. Which we should all use. We need to find common ground with those around us.." he glanced at Cas slightly

Cas glanced down having caught Dean's eyes. "Ap...absolutely." Cas said between a hiccup " We should all try and find someting in common with those around us. Even if for some reason we dislike that person "

Dean was about to reply when the bell rang for the end of class and he waited until the whole class had left before turning to Cas 

"What the hell cas ."

"Don't...what the hell me,Dean Winchester. I was saving what little self respect you have left."

"I lost that when my brother died " dean snapped back , grabbing the flask from his draw   
"This ? This is the only thing that is keeping my feet on the ground . "

"That...that is a crutch." Cas said pointedly "look I get it...you're hurting. But that is not the answer."

"No you don't get it . My brother was the only peice of family that I had left and I watched him die ! . So no . You don't get it !"

"Maybe not, maybe I haven't felt that sort of loss. But I can still see that you're hurting and that if you keep this up. If you keep this up Dean...I'm just concerned."

"Well you don't need to be concerned . I have it under control . " he looked at Cas with blinking

 

Cas just shook his head not wanting to argue with Dean. "Well...I'm here Dean."

"Well if you stick around . Don't expect this to be candy canes and lollypops" he said quite blankly

"Candy canes and lollypops..?Life has never been Candy canes and lollypops"

"Yea you can tell me that again" dean looked at his watch and sighed   
"Time for the assembly ..."

Dean moved locking his top draw then walked past Cas   
"Are you coming ?"

Cas didn't need an invitation. "Of course." He took a few steps forward to show he was following.


	4. Chapter 4

 

It didn't take long for dean to arrive at the assembly doors . He could hear the school talking behind the doors and he wasn't ready to do this . Expect he had to . Maybe and hopefully if dean failed to talk Cas would back him up.

Cas could see the hesitation. He knew his friend well and from what he could tell. Dean was past denial and moving closer to anger and being self destructive. "Come on." He said opening the auditorium doors; holding it open as he step partway into the auditorium.

It was clear to Cas that dean didn't want to do this . Everything screamed get me out of here but he had to . Dean slowly walked to the front of the hall and looked out at the mass of students who now stared back at him . Adam was a student everyone loved . Despite his autism and being held back 3 or 4 years he was a hit with the whole school.

Cas took his place; front row, aisle seat. He wanted to be able to join his friend if Dean needed him.

Cas took a moment to glance back towards the mass of students and teachers. He sighed before turning his attention back towards his friend and colleague.

Dean took a deep breath  
"As you know I'm Mr Winchester , a English teacher at this school . I would have taught most of you at some point " the assemblely cheered at this .

"However as you know I also had a brother who was a valued student here ...most of you knew him. Had classes with him . You would let him join you at your lunch table and babble on about hunters and bears and all that stuff that seemed unimportant to you but ...but to him it was the most important information ever"  
Dean paused slightly , his hands beging to tremble  
"As of 2 weeks ago Adam Winchester was involved in an incident whilst on holiday and he passed away..." dean let this sink in , he himself was trying to hold back tears

Cas could hear people gasping in shock. Others said things like "No...no way or oh dear god..." Some of the female students started to cry. Cas could hear it all behind him as he kept his attention on Dean.

Dean hang his head between his shoulders a little then took a deep breath to contine to talk  
"At the game this Friday , there will be a donation fee. $5 entry . This will go towards laying my brother to rest ...if you need to talk to someone about this Mr McCloud is almost always in his office..." he trailed off and stepped away from the mic

 

Cas got to his feet and was about to go after his friend. Stopping himself he turned to face the mass of people, students and teachers. " A reminder...this is a difficut time for the Winchester family so let's be curtious...thank you, you're dismissed."

Dean just left the hall as it erupted Into noise . He ignored everyone who tried to talk to him and he headed outside of his car . Once he got there he climbed onto the driverwd seat and for the first time since getting to school he could breathe .

It wasn't long until Cas made his way to the parking lot. His tan trench coat catching the wind as he walked. Reaching Dean's car he tapped lightly on the window.

Dean lifted his head where it was rested on the steering wheel , his eyes red .  
"What ."  
As he spoke the smell of whiskey was stronger now .

Cas shook his head getting into the passenger seat. "Nothing...I'm just going to sit here in silence, promise." He would try to sit in silence but he would protest if he had to.

 

"Why?" Dean looked at his best friend confused , questioning why Cas was even in the car

"Why...? Oh I don't know Dean. Maybe because sometimes a friend has to do that for another friend. Maybe I don't want you doing something stupid." Cas barked near the end

"I am not going to do anything stupid . I'm fine ...as far as fine . you can go anyway." Dean ran his hands though his hair 

"Anyway , Mr Jenkins said I could take the rest of the day off seeing the situation"

"In that case I'm free as well." Cas said hoping his friend would indeed not do anything stupid.

 

"So...what , your just going to follow me around ? Stalk me ? Cas I know limits oaky ? I've grieved before . I don't need you looking over my shoulder 24/7 ."

Cas looked rarher hurt. He was silent for what seemed like forever "Alright...sorry if I invaded your personal space." With that Cas got out of the car; closed the door and walked back towards the school. He wasn't mad or angry but arguing with Dean was useless sometimes.

 

With that dean roared the car into life , the sound echoing across the parking a lot . He proberly shouldn't be behind the wheel but right now he didn't care

Cas heard the Impala come to life and it caused him to turn back and look. He couldn't help but feel like the worst friend in the world. He shouldn't be letting Dean drive but that argument alone would probably end in a bloody fist fight.


	5. Chapter 5

 

The days that followed were tough for dean . Apart from stateing the obvious dean didn't know what to do with himself so he turned to more whiskey . And once he had finished that bottle he started another . And another . And before he knew it , it was Saturday evening .

Cas kept himself busy. With Dean taking time to deal with his grief it left Cas with a slight work load. He was thankful for the distraction but it never lasted long. 

Saturday even found Cas at home with the chore of making a lesson plan. Making himself a quick meal Cas set to work.

Half way though the second bottle of the weekend and dean couldn't stand how quiet the flat was. He couldn't stand not having someone to talk to. 

It wasn't long until he was dialing Castiels number , his hands shaking ad he did .

Cas had just pluged in his phone and crawled into bed. His back against the headboard, lamp on, lesson planner in hand. That was when his phone rang. 

Cas turned his head to see who was calling. Upon seeing his friend's name on the screen he reached over, took it off the charger... answering it. "Hello Dean. " he tried to keep the concern to himself

"C-Cas?" Dean asked , his voice thick with emotion . It was clear that he had been drinking by the way he stuttered and his voice was only thick like this when he had been or was crying. 

He held the phone tightly , fearing if he didn't he would drop it .

"Yeah... I'm here Dean." Cas knew Dean was drunk but he honestly couldn't think of a way to approach the subject and asking if he was alright seemed stupid.

"C-can you come over " he asked , trying to hold back sobs but a few got away from him  
"I was wrong Cas ... I need you..." there was the sound of glass chinking and dean muttering to him self

Cas didn't answer as he juggled holding his phone to his ear, getting out of bed and grabbing his car keys. 

"Dean, I'll be there as soon as I can. "  
Cas didn't care he was in sweets and a t-shirt. He just grabbed his trench coat on his way out the door.

Dean somehow had managed to back himself into a corner besides the to . He still held the phone , but he had brought his knees to his chest as he tried to hold back sobs with no such hope

Cas listened as he got into his 1978 Lincoln. He knew Dean was at home from the noise in the background. 

Putting his phone on speaker he put it on the dash. "Give me 15 minutes." He said with slight authority. It was either be calm or panic and right now he couldn't panic.

"O-okay " dean tried to take a deep breath . To stay intact until Cas got there . But he was failing . It was clear to him he was and clear though the phone

Cas drove like a bat out of hell, usual driving style. Only this time he was slightly speeding. Sure he shouldn't be speeding but his friend needed him and he had never seen or heard Dean break down like this. In all honesty even though he knew it was coming it still scared him. 

Cas made it to Dean's house in a little over 14 minutes. The drive was normally 20 minutes depeding on traffic adding in speed and avoiding traffic lights. Well, 14 minutes was his personal best.

Dean didn't even hear Castiles car .

Getting out of his car Cas pulled his coat tightly. Walking up to the house Cas noticed the front door slightly ajar. Walking up the steps Cas was on alert. "Dean..." He called stepping inside. Looking around the place was a mess. There were beer bottles and Jack Daniels bottles, take out containers, day old pizza on the coffee table. The couch looked like it had been slept on for days.

"Cas?" Dean looked up from where he was hunched up in the corner , a dirty shirt and a pair of age old joggers what all that protected him from the chilly night . He was a state . He hadn't brushed his hair in days and his stubble was starting to take over his sharp jaw line . The lack of sleep was clear from the blood shot eyes .

Cas felt his heart drop at the sight of Dean. He closed his eyes and pressed his lips into a thin line. Letting out a breath he opened his eyes again "Yeah... I'm here. " he managed to say before turning to close the door. He walked over to Dean and squated down to his level.

"I'm sorry Cas ..." dean looked at Cas , his bottom lip trembling  
"I was wrong ...I was wrong ..."

"Shh... It's ok, don't apologize. Let's just get you off the floor." Cas said distancing himself from the sight in front of him and instead focused on what needed to be done.

Dean kept on muttering sorry , his hands still shaking  
"I didn't mean to , I ...I'm sorry" he kept saying  
The sleeve on his right arm was damp but then again so was floor where he smashed a bottle against the far wall

Cas shook his head solemnly, grabbing Dean's face between his palms to get his attention. "Dean..slow down, take a breath." This apologie wasn't just because Dean had pushed him away. "What didn't you mean to do? "

 

Deans eyes flickered to his best friends , the blue seeming to stand out in the full surroundings  
"I didn't mean to" he said again, his hands shaking so much now he dropped what was in them. A bloody knife 

At this point dean started to sob again

 

Cas watched the knife covered in blood hit the floor. His eyes scanned over his friend. He grabbed a hand to check his arm."Dean you promised." He said quitely. His friend may not have meant to but he had the knife out for a reason.

 

Dean just repeated what he had been previously saying . He could feel Cas pulling up his sleeve . He hated this . How much of a mess he was . But when Cas was there ? Everything was just a little bit better

Cas tried to keep it together, his friend needed him. Putting a blank look on his face looking past everything as he tore one of Dean's sleeves and used it as a bandage. "That will do for now. " he told himself  
"Dean... " he said in that voice that screamed athority.

 

"I slipped ...I wanted to do it ...but I promised you I wouldn't ...I promised him..." Dean held the fabric as Cas tied it

"I know... " Cas said in understanding. Getting to his feet he went to pull Dean up with him and put one of Dean's arms across his shoulder;getting a better hold on him before leading the way to the couch.

Dean simply just let cas man handle him . He knew that he wouldn't be able to do it on his own and if he had to be honest ? Being this close to someone was a breath of fresh air  
" I was wrong though Cas ...i do need you .."

Cas moved things out of the path with his shoe. "An I'm here... Dean. " He didn't want to hear anymore apologize right now. 

Reaching the couch Cas carefully lowered Dean onto it.

Dean instantly pulled his feet up as he put his head between his knees. His head was starting to spin and he was trying to ground himself

"Coffee or tea? " Cas asked giving Dean time to gather himself before answering.

"C-coffee" dean replied , his voice muffled  
"Thanks ..."

Cas just smiled before disapearing into the kitchen. It didn't take but a minute to get some coffee going. As he waited for the coffee Cas began to clean the kitchen. 

About 10 minutes later Cas came back into the livingroom with a coffee cup full of coffee "Here you go. " Cas said reaching Dean, holding out the cup.

While Cas was making coffee dean had attempted to clean up the place . He gathered all the in tack bottles and placed them on the table . He was looking at them as he took the coffee from Cas  
" There was so Much..."

Cas turned his head to see where Dean was looking. "Don't worry about that." Cas said turning his attention back to his friend. "Just drink your coffee."

Dean nodded sipping at the coffee not really carring if it was burning his lips or younger

Cas gave a quirk of a smile before busying himself. He gathered a handfull of clutter of the coffee table and headed for the kitchen. On his way back he brought a trash bag. He cleared the table before sitting down on the couch next to Dean just not too next.

Dean said nothing for a while . His hands had stopped shaking by now but it was clear he was still distressed  
"Thanks for coming ..."

"Dean, I always come when you call." Cas glanced over at his friend. "Despite everything I am your friend."

"And I'm yours ...but I've been a crappy friend ... I know you was also close with Adam and ..." he sighed

"Everyone grieves in their own way." Cas said being understanding and sympathizing. "I need no explainations..."

"Yes you do Cas . You don't deserve what I've put you though this last week . It's unexpecteable ."

"Dean.." Cas said with just a hint of authority in his tone. "Do me a favor and let me be the judge of what I do and don't deserve. Right now you need to worry about yourself...ok. Take care of yourself, that's all. Do that and we can call it even."

"But Cas ...if I'm not needed then I am nothing . If I'm not thinking about someone to protect or keep safe then what's the point ."

"The point,Dean Winchester. The point is you being around to actually care."

Dean didn't know how to reply to this . His head was in the cloud and what Cas was saying...it just didn't make sense

Cas shook his head seeing the expression on Dean's face. "I'll explain later."

"Can you stay tonight ? I...don't trust myself to be alone .." his eyes flickered to Cas then looked away fast . He felt ashamed

Cas nodded "Yes, I'll stay. An Dean there is nothing to be ashamed about." He said seeing his friend's eyes quickly looking away. "Everyone needs a friend at times like these."

"But for someone like me ? A role model to most of that god damn school...but within a week I become a Alcohlic who can't handle waking up in the morning "

"You put a lot on your shoulders Dean. You judge yourself more harshly then you do others. It's ok to stumble sometimes as long as you get back up. The fact that you called me shows you want help."

"I don't want help Cas ... but I need help ..." dean smiled gentelly  
"I always judge myself to hard . It what I was raised to do ."

Cas tried to smile but only one corner of his mouth twitched. "Want, need it doesn't matter Dean. But you have to love yourself. "I" he paused a moment "We,the school everyone cares about you Dean." He looked into his friend's green eyes before glancing away "That's not what you need because you already have it. So you have to find something inside of you to love about yourself."

"There's nothing I love about myself Cas ! You know that , the only thing I ever did was me being a big brother to Adam and with sam being away at Stamford there is nothing. They bring out the stuff I love .."

"It's still there Dean." Cas said being slow and letting every word flow. He wasn't going to argue with Dean because he was stubborn and a bit drunk. "The good things about you are still inside you. They didn't die with Adam or go away with Sam."

"How do you know ... your acting like you know everything ...good things don't come to me . That is clear ." Dean curled up in the corner of the sofa which he was sitting in

"I don't know everything Dean." He said calmly "I do know this though...Adam and Sam had a brother that loved them more than anything in this world, more than your own life. I also know that Adam would not want this for you. That's what I know and base my belief on."

"Adam never really understood death...even after our parents. He didn't grief like me and sam did he just...carried on . He wouldn't even know what's happening to him right now . "

"Maybe, maybe not. It's all in what we believe." Cas said not wanting to argue. "But I bet he could see you hurting and hated to see it."

Dean said nothing and got up grabbing the full bottle of whiskey and stubmbled into the kitchen unscrewing it

Cas sighed in frustration before getting up "Dean..." Cas said in a pleading tone as he entered the kitchen "Don't you think you've had enough?"

Dean took a quick swing from the bottle then held it over the sink and started to pour it down the drain.  
"Now I have ."

Cas smiled approvingly "That is a wise choice."

"Its not a wise choice . It's the sensibal choice . I've got work on Monday ...please say you'll be there ? "

Cas nodded slightly "I'll be there."

"Thanks Cas...how did I managed to get a friend like you .." he stumbled back into the living room and slumped back beside Cas

Cas thought about that for a moment. Not that it needed any real good explanation. "I guess you didn't break any mirrors the year we met." He said with a laugh

Dean couldn't let but smile at this and he nudged Cas gently  
"I guess so , but... will you stay tonight ? I ..just want someone here " Dean hoped Cas would . He didn't want to wake in the cold house alone

"Of course, I'll stay. But you should get some rest or those circles under your eyes will be permanent."

"If they aren't already ." Dean grumbles , getting to his feet again and heading for the stairs  
As he walked up the 4th step his foot slipped and he only just managed to catch himself as he did

Cas had gotten up and was standing at the bottom of the stairs. Cas seeing the slip went up and made it two steps before stopping himself. "Here, let's walk up together." He finally said reaching the forth step and putting one of Dean's arms across his shoulder.

Dean nodded and let his best friend and colleague support him and help him to his room which was in a worse mess then the living room  
"Sorry about the mess"

Cas said nothing as he sat Dean securely on the bed. The mess was the least of his concern. "Don't worry about it." He said moving to get his friend a clean T-shirt. Finding a shirt he put it over his shoulder and walked back over to Dean "Raise your arms up."

Dean didn't like it that Cas felt like he had to dress him  
"Cas...I may be wasted but I can dress myself ..." dean looked up at Cas who now stood in front of him . Against his pale skin his eyes looked bright . His lips pink but dry

Cas gave a very intense stare "My apologies." He said after moment taking a step back.

Dean stumbled to his feet , reaching for the shirt which hung over Castiles shoulder then he saw the patten and dropped it .  
"T..that's Adams "

"Dean.." Cas said horrified. "I-I mean. I didn't know. It was in here and...I didn't know."

"Its f-fine " dean put the shirt on the bedside table and reached for his old tank top which he kept under his pillow. In reality it wasn't his but his previous boyfriend Michel . It didn't end well  
"It fine..."

Cas tilted his head slightly. A look of guilt and remorse coming over his features. "Try and get some sleep." He said not continuing the conversation.

Dean tried to avoid Castiles gaze but he could feel it . He attempted to pull his dirty shirt over his head but he stumbled and fell back onto the bed  
"C-crap.."

 

Castiel tried to hold back his laughter but his whole body shook with it.

He got himself together "I'll just leave you to get ready for bed then." He said with a tone that was filled with contentment. Dean didn't want his help so he wouldn't give it. "I'll be downstairs if you need me."

Dean grumbled and throw his shirt onto the chair deciding that he didn't need the god damn shirt .  
"Y-your not leaving are you ?"

"No...I'll be here." Cas answered simply

Nodding he sat down . Practically falling onto his bed  
"T-thanks Cas..." he rolled over facing the wall

"You're welcome...Dean." Cas said wanting to say more but didn't. "Goodnight.." with that he left the room and made his way back downstairs.

"Night " he grumbled back and fell into a deep , dreamless sleep


	6. Chapter 6

Downstairs Castiel busied himself with getting out the broom and another trash bag.

He began to sweep the living room.

The clock had just ticked one when there was a knock at the door , the sound echoing though the house

Hearing the knock throughout the house Castiel quickly moved to answer the door.

"Who could be...Sam." He cut himself off seeing the tall but younger Winchester.

"Cas ?" Sam out his bag down and frowned at the other male   
"Did dean text you ? Is he okay ? I came as quickly as I could"

"He's safe...asleep upstairs." Castiel assured him stepping back to let Sam fully into the house.

He picked his bag back up and walked into the front room   
"Whoa ...dean wasn't kidding.." the 19 year old looked around the room that cas had only just started to tidy

"No, it's bad Sam." Castiel said closing the door.

Dumbing his back in arm chair he turned back to Cas .   
"But is dean okay ? He sent me some very concerning texts " sam gazed over at the empty bottles and empty painkiller packets from the last week

"You know Dean,Sam. He goes into denial then he blames himself. I honestly don't know if he's going to be ok Sam...I don't." Castiel sighed closing his eyes a moment "I want him to be ok..."

"He's not going to be okay " sam didn't want to say it but he knew it was true   
"Not for a while . He will blame himself for what happened to Adam and Won't listen to anyone who says otherwise." Sam ran a hand though his shaggy hair . 

"Do you know what happened to Adam ?"

"I know he drowned." Said Cas already knowing it was true what Sam said about Dean.

"He didn't just drown Cas . He drowned screaming for dean ." Sam paused and took a deep breath   
"Dean and Adam was attacked...robbed . They drowned our brother right in front of dean ."

Castiel was horrified by this. He looked towards the stairs. "Noo...oh dear god no."

"Let me guess he didn't mention that bit ? Figured " sam had to sit down otherwise his long legs were going to give way underhim 

"He might have mentioned that he had no money ...or phone ..they took everything and just left dean. " sam tried not to show his anger but he couldn't help it .

Castiel sat down on the edge of the coffee table. "He mentioned the phone and having no money but I had no idea about the rest."

"Dean has always been so stubborn...so proud . He would never take any help from anyone . Even when our parents died he just took me and Adam in and raise us as well as he could . " Sam glanced at Cas then continued to talk   
"Me and Adam was 12 when they died and dean has been looking after us ever since ."

"Wait..." Castiel said trying to catch up with what Sam just said. "How old was Dean when this happened." He knew their parents had died because Dean told him as much but he didn't tell the whole story

"A few days off 18 . Car crash . They were in the front seat , killed on impact . Dean was hurt , not sure how but they said what ever he did protected me and ..." sam could bring himself to say his twins name again

Castiels eyes were wide,intense and full of sorrow. Not for himself but for his dearest friend that was asleep just upstairs.He put a hand on Sam's shoulder "That's Dean for you isn't it." He forced the words to pass his lips

"Yea , my brother cares more about other people then he does himself which is clearly evident here" sam decided to take off his large boots, placeing then beside the sofa when he saw something poking out from under the sofa . Reaching down he pulled it out . It was a wooden box . 

"This is everything left from mom and dad..." sam put the box back and saw something else stashed between the cabinet and wall . He reached for it   
"Crap...he's smoking again"

This fact broke Castiels heart even more. He didn't know if he should scream or cry anymore. I mean it wasn't like he had a right to do either but he cared for his friend. Something in the back of his mind told him it was more than that but he ignored it. "What are we going to do Sam?" He asked

"Be there for him . I've gone on a gap year so , im here for the year if dean will have me " sam placed the joint on the side   
"We need to show him that what ever happens we are there for him . Even since before mom and dad past he was always the one to look after others which meant he was always the one to get hurt . Family members . Parents . Boyfriends. He's lost a two brothers in a year. I went off to college just as he needed me most and I didn't even relise " sam looked at Cas again 

"Cas we need to show dean we are here to say...are you ready for that commitment?

"I am more than you know Sam." Was what Cas answered with in his head but what he actually said was "Of course...he'd do the same for me."

"Good because he will need you . You and him have a more profound bond and I think he needs that more then anything "

Cas said nothing to this only nodded. They were friends,best friends maybe even close as brothers but a profound bond. What did that even mean anyway?

"I don't think he needs it . I know he needs it . You know a side of dean that I wouldn't . A side only you seem to awaken ... "

"Well, we each have our part. I'm going to help Dean in anyway I can."

"The first thing we can do it tidy this place up , clear the bottles and make sure he's not hideing booze or anything else"  
He glanced at the joint on the side

"I'll start in the kitchen if you want to finish the living room." Cas suggested

"That kitchen is going take both of us cleaning it . It looks like he hasn't done any cleaning since leaving for Barbados "

"Ok..." Cas said not even batting an eye. "Then I guess we can finish cleaning in here first."

"As it seems , though you seemed to have done it all" sam ran a hand though his hair . It was true, the living room was almost spotless

Cas glanced around the room. It certainly did look 100% better if not almost spotless "I guess you're right. I was so busy cleaning and keeping my mind off of it that I didn't even notice."

"Cas , if you need a rest then use the spare room . There's a single bed in there and I'm sure dean won't mind if you pinch some of his pjs "

"No...I'm alright Sam. Besides I need to help you with the kitchen."

"If your up for it " sam headed towards the kitchen again and grabbed a pair of rubber gloves and gently tossed them to Cas

Castiel was right behind him and he managed to catch the gloves. "I need to do this." He said simply

Sam understood . Even when he was younger , if he had a argument with dean or something he was usually found in the kitchen cleaning or cooking not soon after

"I wash you dry?" Castiel said indicating the dishes

 

"Sounds like a plan" sam grabbed the tea towel which was draped over the chair

 

Cas nodded and quickly moved to the sink. Removing the dirty dishes he then began to run some fresh water to reach rinse out the sink. Once the sink was filled with soapy water Cas began washing the dishes one by one. He'd rinse them off and hand the dish to Sam.

Him and Cas kept up a pace Untill everything was clean and in its place   
"There "

Cas nodded and glanced at what they had done. "Much better."

 

"Right you should probably get some sleep or something. I assume your back at work Monday? As well as dean ?"

"You assume correctly." He said drying his hands. He eyelashes fluttered a bit as the longer he stood there the more the exhaustion began to creep up on him. "But you should take the spare room."

"No , I'm taking the sofa . And if you complain when you full asleep I'll carry you to the spare room ." Sam was too tired to argue and after his growth spert he was taller and stronger

Castiel was too tired to find Sam amusing "Fine, I'm not going to argue." He said before starting to leave the kitchen "Goodnight Sam." He added.

"Good night Cas . Sleep well."

 

Castiel made his way upstairs and into the spare bedroom. Settling down and getting comfy Cas was soon just on the edge of dream land.


	7. Chapter 7

 

It must have been a couple of hours after dean closed his eyes and he was awake again . He was awake and screaming 

Sweat clung to his skin and his hair was a mess . The dark circles under his eyes had become darker 

Castiel was in that stage of sleep where you can feel yourself drifting off and it feels tingly and warm and you think to yourself "I'm falling asleep." However hearing the screaming brought him out of it. He disorientedly stumbled out of the spare room and made his way to Dean.

"Dean..!" Cas said getting to him. "Hey, it's all right."

Dean couldn't quite prosses that Cas had entered the room and he tried to protect himself from Whatever was coming at him . Still in a state he whimpered as he cowered

Cas moved to sit on the edge of the bed. "Shhh, Dean it's going to be ok." He whispered waiting for his friend to look at him. "Sam and I are here."

Sam had only just got to deans room after been woken up by his crys but when he saw Cas had it under control he nodded at Cas and backed away

Cas continued to say it would be alright and adding that he and Sam would not leave him. "I promise you Dean it's going to be better come morning." He hated himself for sounding like a hallmark card but he didn't know what else to say.

"You sound like a hallmark card" dean whispered once he had calmed down and stopped shaking . He looked up at Cas , his hair still everywhere

"I'm sorry, my apologies." He said rolling his eyes slightly. He didn't want to sound uncaring or too caring but it was difficult to find the right words "You alright now?"

"Don't apologise " dean replied his voice still thick with sleep  
"I like it ...never had someone look after me before.." dean realised how close Cas was , he could feel the heat radiating off him . The hairs on his arms standing on end .

 

Cas let out a shaky breath in relief. "That's not true." He said trying to not think about the closeness "You've just never let anyone look after you. Now you have no choice Dean Winchester."

"Well..." he chuckled slightly "well your not wrong .." Dean used the back of his hand to wipe the sweat which settled on his forehead  
"I didn't mean to wake you "

"It's alright... I wasn't tired anyway." He lied slightly "Besides I'm here for a reason right? I'm here so if you need to talk I can listen."

 

"Well I know that's a lie . Your always tired . That's what being a teacher is . Constant exhaustion " dean finally ran his fingers though his hair , neating a little  
"You want me to tell you about my dream ?"

Cas couldn't help but laugh "I suppose you've got me there. An I would be happy to talk through it with you. But I'm not going to force you to tell it."

"No I need to talk Cas . It was about my dad . He would always be the hardest on me you know ? I would be the one to get the lashes . The discouragement. I dreamt it was him who.." he stopped himself 

He didn't tell Cas that he watched Adam be murdered  
"Never mind.."

The part about their father was even more shocking news but he said nothing. He just listened.

"Who what?" Cas asked but then added "Who drowned Adam in front of you?" Taking a guess.

Dean flinched at this , the words hitting hard  
"How did you-" he sighed  
"Sam told you didn't he ?"

Cas nodded, his pinkish lips going into a thin line.

"Dammit sammy" he whispered  
"I didn't want you knowing about that " he eventually said after a few minutes of silence

Cas tilted his head slightly to one side. With eyes wide and full of questions he settled for just one. "Why, Dean?"

Dean loved it when Cas did this , the head tilt . It sparked something inside him that made him numb from everything except Cas . 

"Becuase you have enough going on . I'm breaking apart Cas and I don't want you falling down with me "

"I-I..." he began but caught himself from saying what he wanted to say but couldn't. "Dean, it's my choice. As you're friend and colleague I've always been there and will continue to be. So what if fall instead of fly?"

"It would have been me who made you fall...your like the angel on my shoulder Cas . And if you fell ? I wouldn't help but blame myself ...your to pure for me to taint you .."

Cas was in bittersweet agony. For one Dean just called him an angel. He was no angel and certainly not pure or innocent by any stretch of the imagination but to hear him say it. However he knew this was not actually Dean talking. It was a very scared and broken version of Dean.  
"You can't blame yourself if I choose to Dean."

 

"Yet you know thats exactly what im going to do" dean was already internally having an argument with himself. He could see what his words were doing to Cas 

"I'm sorry I'll stop now ..."

"Damn you, Dean Winchester. You can't say things like that to me and not mean it."

 

"Say what ?" He questioned, a little confused as he spoke

"Call me an Angel and act like I matter." He said glancing down

"Becuase you do matter ..I've been close to melt downs before and you know what ? " dean sat up properly and lifted Castiels chin so he was looking at him , his fingertips tingling at contact with Castiels soft skin  
"You've always pulled me back . You've been my anchor for so long...my angel anchor..."

Cas could hardly breathe, his blue eyes staring into beautiful green ones.

"Dean...please." He said not sure how much more of this he could take.

Dean moved his hand from the other males chin and cupped his jaw and cheek  
"I'm sorry...for everything" dean leaned forward, their faces inchs away. He smiled when Cas didn't pull away and dean closed the gap , pushing his chapped lips against the other males

Cas let out a slight whimper once he was over the shock. Feeling Dean's lips pressed against his was amazing and terrifying all at the same time. Cas returned the kiss.

Dean was drunk . There was so doubt about that but these feelings ? They was real and they were being ignited like a flame roaring though his body filling that hole which was left by Adam. It didnt stop the ache but it Dulled it a little 

Dean shifted his body so dean would grip the bottom of the other males neck and deepen the kiss , tangling his lips with Castiels

Castiel's head was spinning. The taste of the alcohol, the warmth of Dean's mouth and the way it made him feel. There was a fire,a feeling of flying. He had wanted this for a while now but not like this. Kissing back though was something he couldn't stop himself from doing and he soon found himself with a fist full of the other males hair.

Pushing Cas down , dean slotted himself between Castiels legs , maintaining the heated kiss .

Cas hardly had time to register what was happening. All he knew was he had to stop this. "Dean..." he said shakingly as he took a moment to breathe.

Dean could feel Cas tense underhim and when he felt that he jumped back , swaying  
"I-I'm sorry..."

Cas sat up slowly "No, Dean...I'm sorry. I'm not being a very good...friend to you."  
It hurt to label himself as just a good friend but this couldn't be real no matter how bad he wanted it to be. Dean was drunk and miserable and seeking comfort and he was taking advantage of it."

"No I shouldn't have done that...I ...should get sleep" dean kept himself pushed up against the wall, panting

"Yes." Cas said in agreement " You should get some sleep." Cas stood up and took a few steps towards the door."Goodnight, Dean."

Dean watched Cas leave the room before falling back into the bed and breaking down


End file.
